Tag Archives: Disrespectful opposition cunts

Club Life – Toil and Trouble

So the cricket season is now very much in full swing in England, I know this because already we need to buy more of that Vanish spray for grass (and blood) stains at Mental Disintegration Towers. That’s right, after all those pre-season nets in dimly lit leisure centres, club/village cricket is upon us for another year!

I’ve been looking forward to this season for quite a while now, as it’ll be the first time where I’ve been available for the first game of the season – the last three years I’d been out at uni so my return to cricket was always hindered by having to write essays on armed intervention and international sanctions. However, since I’ve yet to attempt my driving test again, I’ll also have to look forward to being crammed in the back of a car alongside several kit bags. Not that it was too bad for the first game of the season, what with our journey entailing a blitz down the motorway.

So yeah, our first game of the season. I’ve decided not to mention the names of opponents on here, since I fear that tempers may flare over the course of the season and I’d never be welcomed back.

I’ll be brief with what happened. They scored 255-5, then bowled us out for 96.

The difference between us and them? Their batsmen chanced their arms and got away with hitting the ball over the top repeatedly, regardless of if they’d got their timing right or not, and we dropped seven catches. I suppose we may take small mercies from the result – they could have scored a lot more if two batsmen hadn’t retired after making half centuries. Oh, and them having both a grade AND a state cricketer over from Australia was a handy thing to have in a match which the cunts approached as a long practise session.

My own performance? I fielded as badly as everyone else, but wasn’t responsible for any of the dropped chances. I did however manage an embarrassing misfield at fine leg – the ball had been pulled or swept in the air behind square leg, and I was moving towards where it was bouncing, but not only did the ball spin one way, I managed to slip and fall in the opposite direction. Needless to say, the air turned blue and my cap, which falls off frequently due to the size of my head, got a fair kicking on the way back to my fielding place.

Whilst I’m trying to push a claim for an opening slot in the order, I didn’t mind batting down at six in this match, if only because it allowed me to get a few throw downs before I went in – I tend to feel better when I’ve had a few. It’s just a shame that by the time I was walking out to the middle, we’d only made some 50 runs in response to the 255, and the first ball I saw out in the middle dismissed another of our batsmen.

I would have liked a bit more time out in the middle, not that I’d have got much more than the 5 I scored given that the opposition were too busy taking their ‘practise’ match a little too seriously. This will just sound like sour grapes, but I think that just because all their batsmen did was hit the ball in the air, doesn’t mean that I want to, therefore I think that finding a silly mid-off blocking my best shot when I took guard not to be in the spirit of the game.

Oh well.


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